I spent my last one week in Singapore packing up my stuffs, throwing out the broken and the useless, selecting those that were still in good condition to give away to my house helper. I needed to send my belongings via sea-freight and I longed to start a life "brand new" in Jakarta . I thought making selections of what to carry with me and what to let go were necessary.
Me and my friends talked about my moving back and the closing of the studio. What am I gonna do after this was everyone's concern. For the past two months I always avoided the subject. I just wanted to do nothing and have a quiet time to think, I wasn't at the capacity of planning or deciding given all of the nitty gritty stuffs I had to deal with pertaining the closing of the studio. But during my relax time while I wasn't packing or meeting friends, the thought of being jobless and having no meaningful projects to do started to creep inside my head.
I got scared with the idea of being insignificant or being unsuccessful. For the past 5 years I had been building my pole career and focused on climbing the ladder. Most of you won't know that I started my pole career working as a receptionist at Bobbi's Pole Studio Singapore. I did that as a stepping stone to get noticed by the director and eventually getting offered becoming an instructor. I wanted to show Linna (the director) that I was a responsible employee. At the same time I had privates with her weekly. I was hoping that one day she realised that this hardworking and responsible person was someone whom she groomed personally and inherited all of her techniques and so offered me the teaching position. I'd like to think that my plan had worked because few months later I had my training to become an instructor :) I just want to put an emphasis here that I had a humble beginning and I worked hard every step of the way.
After that I focused on performances and competitions. I wanted to master the art of capturing the audience attention and leaving them with lasting memories. I think winning the Miss Pole Dance Singapore title and inspiring many to start pole lessons were evidence that my performance was pretty influencing. My winning video went viral internationally and it still has the highest number of views at Bobbi's youtube.
I sounded like I am bragging, I know. I have to lay out my successes because then maybe you will understand better how much my current downfall has impacted my self confidence. I won competitions and tasted being the star of performances. I came out from Bobbi's eventually and started my own private classes. The response were good and that fire me up to open a proper studio and capture bigger mass. I thought I was realising my teenage dream when the studio was finally opened. But I was completely wrong. The studio had to fold after 10 months. My ego, my pride is very much bruised.
The lucky star is still on my side because I am not left penniless . With the remaining recourses that's left, I can still live and enjoy the luxury of taking time to think. I know I am far away from the worst scenario possible. Nothing in my life has gone too wrong. Still, it is difficult to experience this steep downward plunge after climbing up and working hard for the past 5 years.
The silver lining to this experience is that I get to re-route. I can re-think my priorities and re-plan based on those. I have yet to find them. I am currently enjoying my slow down time.